Worst 5 films I've been unfortunate enough to see - Part 4.

2. Pearl Harbor [2001].

"Why does Michael Bay gets to keep on making movies?"
     - words of wisdom from Team America.

The film begins with two kids, Big Idiot (Ben Affleck) and Little Idiot (Josh Hartnett). Being a pair of idiots, they accidentally start the engine of a crop duster, take off on the runway, land, and get in trouble. Little Idiot's pa disciplines him (child abuse by modern standards), and Big Idiot calls Little Idiot's pa a "stinkin German" and threatens to bash his head in with a piece of wood. Little Idiot's pa seems hurt, because apparently he fought the Germans in the First World War (1914-1918). How is this relevant? I dunno.

Fast forward a decade + several years.

The two idiots are flying in Curtiss P-40s - narrowly avoids crashing their training aircraft and get grounded by Jimmy Doolittle (Alec Baldwin). Alec Baldwin offers Big Idiot the opportunity to fly in "Eagle Squadron," a group of "volunteers" to support the United Kingdom in the Battle of Britain. Five minutes into this "Pearl Harbor" film, there are already big glaring historical inaccuracies.

Because Curtiss P-40s did not enter service in the United States until 1941, we can postulate that this was sometime in 1941 (but before Dec. 7). In 1941, the historical Jimmy Doolittle did not command any training unit or other US Army Air Corps flight squadrons. What is going on?

So Kate Beckinsale is a US Navy nurse, who gets together with Big Idiot. She has an English accent, I think she is a spy. Big Idiot, being an idiot, decides to leave America and Beckinsale and heads to Britain. Big Idiot gets shot down and crashes in the English Channel.

Meanwhile, Little Idiot and Beckinsale have been reassigned to Hawaii, and they get word that the Big Idiot has crashed and is dead. Little Idiot and Beckinsale get together and soon after, Beckinsale is expecting a baby.

*GASP* Bid Idiot returns from the dead - claiming he escaped from occupied France. Big Idiot naturally gets pissed that his buddy, Little Idiot has been sleeping with Beckinsale - so they get into a bar fight. It is now December 6, 1941.

The next morning, the "day of infamy" begins as the Imperial Japanese Navy and begin their air raid on US assets on Pearl Harbor. Cuba Gooding Jr., like all African-Americans of that era, was relegated to being Mess Attendant in the US Navy. Despite having no previous training in aerial defense, he takes over an anti-aircraft gun and shoots down a Japanese plane. Horray!

Big Idiot and Little Idiot hop in some planes, take off, and shoot down several Japanese planes (even causing them to crash into each other - because you know, the Japanese are stupid). They get praised for their work, and get assigned to a "secret mission" under Doolittle (the actual Doolittle Raid concept wasn't conceived until January 1942 but whatever!).

Before the two idiots leave for the secret training - Beckinsale tells the Big Idiot that she is pregnant with the Little Idiot's baby. She also says she hasn't told Little Idiot, because she wants him to concentrate on the mission.

So why does she even tell Big Idiot?! To distract him? This lady has more issues than a magazine stand.

Apparently, because the United States does not have enough qualified pilots. The two idiots, having prior experience in light fighter aircraft, are trained to fly B-25 bombers. Despite being idiots, they qualify as B-25 pilots in record time, and learn how to fly a medium bomber off an aircraft carrier.

The Doolittle Raid (both historically and in the film) was essentially a one-way mission, where 16 B-25s were launched from an aircraft carrier, dropped their bombs symbolically on Japan, and crash land in China.

Big Idiot crash lands in China, and gets arrested by the Imperial Japanese Army (oops). The Japanese soldiers are about to execute the Big Idiot, when in a WTF? moment, the Little Idiot shows up in his plane, shoots up all the Japanese (without hurting the Big Idiot), and crashes. Then the two idiots get captured again - Little Idiot naturally sacrifices himself and Big Idiot escapes (presumably with the help of the off-camera cinematic Chinese).

Big Idiot returns to America and settle down with Beckinsale and raises Little Idiot's spawn.

On behalf of the cinematic Chinese people, I apologize for for the return of Ben Afflick. They should have sent him to Vladivostok where Comrade Josef Stalin could have interned him until after the war.

This was probably Michael Bay's worst movie (that says a lot). As usual, Ben Afflick is useless as an actor (his best performance was Good Will Hunting [1997], where he "pretends" to be an idiot from Boston). It was a waste film, and a waste of Alec Baldwin and Cuba Gooding Jr.'s acting talents.

Pearl Harbor sucks.