Worst 5 films I've been unfortunate enough to see - Part 1.

Inspired by an anonymous person (I've assigned the codename "Echo Sierra"), I'm starting a five-part miniseries about the worst 5 films I've been unfortunate enough to see.

5. Titanic [1997].

Lamest chick flick ever to win any awards. Here was a big ship that everyone knew was going to hit an iceberg and sink. It begins with an old lady, Rose, who is getting all sentimental on this exploration vessel that is revisiting the Titanic. She has this diamond.

The only avenue for story development and suspense was about Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Rose (Kate Winslet) - but 15 minutes into the film, it was obvious that Jack would die because Rose was the lone survivor on that modern ship having a flashback and getting all sentimental about the Titanic.

The film then basically shifts to a plot line resembling Soviet-era cinema. An epic battle between the proletariat Jack against the bourgeoisie Billy Zane (Rose's fiance). Billy Zane gives Rose a diamond, but Jack emerges victorious by wooing the petite bourgeoisie Rose. And they make out in a 1912 Renault CB Coupé de Ville, sealing the proletariat's final revenge (it also goes to show how old the Titanic was - when Renault made cars were worth importing to America).

From that point on - the ship hits the iceberg. The head engineer discovers how bad the situation is, the captain gives the order for everyone to abandon ship. The movie reintroduces the class struggle again - as the crew seals the poor Irish passengers in the lower decks, while the wealthy bourgeoisie and their petite bourgeoisie spouses and servants get to escape on the lifeboats. Some members of the proletariat nevertheless overcome and triumph - and convinces some members of the petite bourgeoisie join the proletariat in their struggle.

After that epic class struggle, the ship resumes sinking and we see the best scene from the entire movie. Which I call "The Propeller Guy." Basically as water is rushing into the bow of the ship, the stern lifts up above the water, exposing a large portion of the keel, the rudder, and propellers. People at the tip of the stern start losing their grip, and there is this stunt man who is forced to let go of the ship's rails and plunge into the ocean.

I assume that the special effect people and post-production nerds involved in the project hated the rest of the film as much as I did - so they did the scene and CGI-ed the stunt man to bounce on the propeller on his way down. Many people believe it was the best scene of the movie. Don't believe me? Google does not lie.

The scene was so good this dude made a parody interview with "The Propeller Guy", which I encourage you to watch. The specific scene starts at 5:53.

So after that awesome scene, the ship resumes sinking. People scream, shout, and die. Jack and Rose fall into the water, and they swim around in the cold Atlantic. Jack finds a piece of driftwood, Rose climbs on. Jack hangs on nearby and freezes to death. He then magically sinks.

Now I'm pretty sure some of you have heard me rant about the unrealistic nature of this, as frozen dead people do not sink. But I've realized the errors of my conclusions. I assumed that Jack was not weighed down.

It is my hypothesis that he had looted all the bourgeois' jewelry and either swallowed them or kept them in his pant pockets & boots. It would explain why he sank like a lead anchor, or wasn't able to get upon other driftwood/swim to a lifeboat/climb on the driftwood with Rose/any other possible self-help measure.

So then the flashback stops. Rose goes all crazy, and throws the diamond into the Atlantic. Why did Rose toss the diamond into the Atlantic? I do not know. She could have donated it to a museum or charity or something, maybe create an auction for the shipwrecked people of the world? But I'm guessing she had returned to her petite bourgeoisie ways.

So that concludes the fifth worst movie I've been unfortunate enough to see. Tomorrow, I will naturally resume the series and discuss the fourth worst movie.