I am too chicken to play F.E.A.R.

There is this game that has been recommended to me by multiple people, called F.E.A.R., an abbreviation of First Encounter Assault Recon. What does First Encounter Assault Recon mean? I have no idea. But - I suspect the game creators just wanted to call the game FEAR, but wanted to put in a pseudo-"military" spin to it.

Basically the game starts off as any other first-person shooter. You're this bad ass "military" dude - have a bunch of guns, and you have some buddies who are practically useless and will inevitably need you to save them from annihilation (this is a common theme for first-person shooters).

Under the false impression that I am a self-assured confident young male, enjoying the time of my life where my emotional, intellectual, and physical maturity is at the peak of my prime, I embraced the challenge of F.E.A.R.


I was.... W. R. O. N. G.

A little background... (SPOILER ALERT)

Every good story needs antagonists that also make good cannon fodder. Traditionally, video game makers use Nazis or aliens (i.e. Wolfenstein & Doom). More recently? In games like Grand Theft Auto, the fodder can be anything from stupid mobsters to the random civilian on the street.

This time - the bad ass soldiers meet "something" that cannot be killed. No, I'm not talking about zombies - zombies, while scary, can be killed.

I'm talking about scary little girls.

Like the ones that scare the hell out of everyone in Japanese horror movies, like the Ring (1998), or the Orphan (2009).

It would appear that in F.E.A.R? The cannon fodder is you.

Being a fiscal conservative, I did not buy F.E.A.R. Instead? I found a free demo for F.E.A.R 2, the sequel, which I hear is a pretty good sequel to the original game (critics say F.E.A.R. 2 is apparently less suspenseful). I figured if I enjoyed the demo, I'll buy the game.

Demos usually are designed so the player gets about 45 minutes of enjoyment. F.E.A.R 2's demo? It took me about 2 hours to complete. The gameplay wasn't tedious, or hard - I just couldn't play through it without hitting the pause button, and leaving the couch to find something to drink and maybe wash my face.

Don't get me wrong - I generally enjoy horror films, but playing a game where you go from fighting for your life against super-clone soldiers to fighting against an immortal little girl called Alma is not my idea of relaxing fun.

You're exploring what appears to be a medical research facility/office - the next moment you're fighting for your life against the super-clone soldiers.

Ok. I can take the testosterone filled moment - that's the time when you go AHHHH! and blow the soulless clones away with your shotgun.

Then out of your peripheral vision, you see some strange movement. You turn around, hear some creepy sounds, and then Alma strikes.

For example? You're riding in the elevator. Minding your own business. Then suddenly...



WTF? OK! Maybe the little girl in red is just being friendly - I shouldn't prejudge her based on her creepy appearance... after all - wasn't there that woman in red in the Matrix? Or the little girl in red in Schindler's List?

But then...



... it is like... do do do *whistle* - then AHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHH! DIE!!! *BANG BANG* I can't kill you YOU SCARY MONSTER GIRL!

RUN AWAY!!

RUN AWAY!!!

AHHHHHHHH!!!

So at the end of the game... you managed to survive. Congratulations you've reached the extraction point, and a helicopter picks you up. Your superiors decide to nuke the damn place, and you're watching the mushroom cloud... when...



... sorry - I'm just not cut out for this.